Droppin' Science

When the old computer imploded and I was able to salvage the old hard drive as an external drive, I made a promise to myself that I was going to back up all that old data.

The awesome thing about promises to yourself is that nobody hears you and it doesn't really matter if you keep them or not.

Then the external hard drive got dropped. Now, it's not important to play the blame game and determine who exactly dropped the drive and how it happened, what was important is that the external drive held a ton of downloaded music files, my wife's patterns and instructions and a bunch of my aborted or semi-finished writing projects that I had pretty much given up on ever seeing again.

After a couple weeks of wondering if I'd ever re-find that Barry White soundtrack album where he sang about taking down The Man or all the old hardcore 7"s I found off soulseek, I enacted a last-ditch effort. I froze the old hard drive.

According to the internet, freezing the drive will allow the metal to contract, giving you about 20 minutes before the metal warms and expands to transfer all your files. I didn't have anything to lose, and I figured they couldn't put it on the internet if it wasn't true, so I gave it a shot.

Nothing happened.

Then, using logic, I determined that if a hit had caused the problem, another hit of equal force should fix it. So I hit it with a screwdriver.

You know what? It works pretty OK now, although a couple files are acting funny. However, I was able to save all the word files and start making some awesome mix CDs from all the music I forgot I had - right now I'm making an awesome '80s dance mix - Cure 12"s, "You Dropped a Bomb on Me," "Egyptian Lover," "Timezone," "We are the Jonzun Crew," all the jams.

This all reinforces a basic principle of physics. If something mechanical doesn't work, just hit it.

Back on the Radio

The Man figured out I was getting just a little too close to the truth, so they shut down my motherboard. Now, I'm not comparing myself to the Kennedys or Malcolm X, but you have to admit the similarities are uncanny.

Not only am I back, I have a new laptop with wireless ...juice running all
through it. That's right, no longer are your wires of oppression chaining me to my computer room desk. In fact, I'm writing this from the living room - that's right, the living room, conventions be damned!

Naturally, like everything electronic or mechanical I own or come in contact with, I'm sure this laptop is gonna be broken within two weeks. I got a solar pump for our pond out back which worked twice before it just stopped, giving me a nice mosquito breeding swamp in the backyard. And that has like, what, two mechanical parts total? The plate thing the sun shoots her magical rays on and a little pump that squirts out water?

I already spent two hours on the phone to Bangladesh last night to determine the DVD player was missing a part, so I'm just hoping I can keep this laptop running through the warranty so I can keep broadcasting the truth until The Man shoots another one of his poison death rays at my motherboard.

Does Not Compute

Our computer died after five or six years of semi-faithful service last week. Someone who ought to know told me the motherboard died. I think that's what he said. Either that or something about the mothership connection. I'll have to take his word, since anything beyond opening a word file, playing a CD or looking up pictures of Phoebe Cates on the internet is beyond my computing capabilities.

Naturally, the weekend before it crashed I was thinking, "You know, I really ought to upload all these photos to Flickr and burn a lot more of these MP3 files I stole off the internet totally paid for onto discs.” Then I searched for more Phoebe Cates pictures and went to bed.

Just like when the power goes out and all you can think about is watching TV or running the vacuum cleaner or anything that uses that wonderful power, this last week without a computer has been annoying.

If I want to check my bank balance, I've got to use the phone and sit through all that 'press one for more options' business, all the while knowing that I could have checked my $23 bank balance 50 times on the computer in the time it takes just to get to the prompt for English.

If I want to find out if it will freeze overnight, I have to watch the weather channel, which for 10 minutes gives the forcast for Miami and Atlanta, so I have to use the pythagorean theorem or something to determine whether I need to cover the plants.

So yeah, it's gonna be a long three weeks. Hopefully by the time my new computer comes I'll have a backlog of stories written out by quill pen.