Publish or Perish

Guess what I got for Valentine's Day? Yeah, I know it's early, but my girlfriend couldn't wait. Check it out:

She looks like she's opened the Necronomicon.

She compiled all my old Myspace blog posts into a book. It looks all important bound up like that, sort of like a thesis, or perhaps a fancy cookbook.


It's been strange reading about myself for the past couple days, other than reminding myself how fascinating I find me, it's funny to see how many stories I used to write about work. I also used to write more short pieces, but I guess now all my two sentence funny bum stories are used on Facebook statuses.

Reading between the lines, I can also sense a lot of stress, especially when dealing with being a new homeowner being overwhelmed with the huge thing I had gotten into. I'd like to say that I can feel myself growing, changing, and becoming more mature and responsible, but I haven't gotten that far, and I'm willing to bet that doesn't happen.

Wait. I know that doesn't happen.

As with all thoughtful gifts, the pressure is now on me to step up and come up with something equal. Without spoiling the surprise, a hot air balloon ride with special navigator Burt Reynolds just might be in someone's cards in a few weeks.

Diver Down

I did a google search for googoomuck the other day. Oh, like you've never googled yourself. The first result after a few awesome Youtube clips was an Urban Dictionary definition. Let's see what it says, shall we?

Oh, my.

If you couldn't be bothered to use the link, the definition reads:

"A double entendre meaning a vampire or a muff diver. Famously used in a Cramps songs bearing the same name."

Couple things.

First, I was mildly shocked to see the term "muff diver" all written out there on the internet. Has anyone used that phrase since 1982? In a place that wasn't a middle school cafeteria or schoolbus? I think as soon as you utter the phrase "muff diver" you automatically grow a wispy mustache and notice you're wearing a 3/4 sleeve 95YNF or Lightning Bolt T-shirt.

Hey! That could be my new superhero! A mild-mannered kid in the '80s who uses the secret phrase to become MUFF DIVER, a fighter for justice, Get the Led Out radio weekends and ...I dunno... world peace or something. It still needs work.

Where was I? Oh yeah, "The Goo Goo Muck." I've heard that song for what, over 20 years now and yeah, that reading makes a lot of sense. Let's take a look at some of those lyrics:

"I cruise through the city and I roam the streets
Lookin for something that is nice to eat."

"I'm the night headhunter looking for some head
With a way-out body underneath that head."

How could I have missed that? And the Cramps were covering a song from 1962. Could people really sing about oral sex back then? Didn't they send Lenny Bruce to the electric chair for saying "damn" on stage? How did that song slip by? Was everyone in 1962 was as dumb as me?

Was this phrase common knowledge back then? I'm picturing guys in leather jackets on street corners saying stuff like, "Nah, we didn't really have sex, we just googoomucked." Or "You know me, fellas, I'm a real googoomuck."

Actually, that sounds sort of gross. Nowhere near as pleasing to the ear as "muff diver."

And you know, if I did inadvertently name my blog after a sex act, that's not a bad one to pick. It's a funny term, something I endorse, and it's way better than my first choice, Santorum's Laff Factory.

Oh, just google it.