The Best of Bread

I don't know how many of you have been on online dating sites, but on one of the big ones the final question is, "I spend a lot of time thinking about..."

I don't remember what my answer was for that one, but I didn't exactly tell the truth. This was a departure from my policy of absolute honesty for the other questions, where I revealed that I am a 6 foot tall ex-CIA agent who once rescued a baby and several puppies from a house fire. Although I'd like to think that they rescued me.

If I'm being completely honest, I spend a lot of time thinking about bread.

In fact, let me share some of my favorite gluten-free bread recipes I got from my CrossFit group - hey, where's everybody going?

Actually, I spend time thinking about bread just as a sheer impossibility. I mean, the cards really seem stacked against its discovery, you know?

Like, some caveman (or woman) had to notice some wheat growing out in the wild and think, "Hey, I I could probably eat that."

Which just in itself seems like an insane leap of thinking. I get seeing some berries or a fish or a watermelon or whatever, and thinking you could take a bite out of it, but wheat? That's like thinking you could eat feathers or sandspurs.

So even after Ook figures that out, they have to decide not to eat it then, but to grind it up and add...I dunno...eggs? Water? then bake it up. Meanwhile, there's mammoths and fruit and vegetables right outside the cave just begging to be eaten. The whole grinding flour thing alone seems like the cave equivalent of the Space Race or the Panama Canal.

Just to prove how astonishing this step was, it was thousands of years after this invention before the Earl of Sandwich discovered the sandwich, and possibly centuries after that before the invention of the Reuben or the club sandwich.

I would like to take this space to thank you, unknown caveperson. Not only did you provided me the basis for many treats throughout the years, you've also provided me with much to think about. For this, take a bow, unknown caveperson. You deserve it.

Rhymin' and Stealin'

I was headed to Gainesville after work. It was my birthday. I was tired, because I am now officially old. I'm waiting in a convenience store to pay for some gas and I get a genius idea.

"It would be really funny if I stole a candy bar."

Nobody is paying attention to me. The candy is right next to my hand. I don't even want a candy bar, but the idea strikes me as so hilarious that I'm actually half-seriously considering it.

"What can they do to me," I think. "It's my birthday. And it's what, like a dollar? If I get caught I'll just throw down a bunch of bills and run out. That would be hilarious."

I also reason that after I explain that it was obviously a joke, management or the cops or whatever will have to let me go. Of course, if you've ever worked retail, you'll know that as soon as someone gets caught shoplifting, the first thing they say is, "Look, I've got the money right here - it was just a joke. I'll pay for it."

But it was my birthday. That gave me immunity. And shit, I was buying over 20 dollars in gas. They sort of owed me a candy bar.

But aside from economic justification, I'm really thinking of doing it just for the comedy.

How funny would that be, I'm thinking. I'm an middle-aged adult with a house, and a car, and real job and everything, and I'm just gonna totally steal a Twix. It'd be even funnier if I just threw it back into the store as I left. Just to let them know that I stole it. Maybe the cops would chase me all the way to Gainesville. Hilarious! A high speed chase over a dollar candy bar. It would probably make the news.

Then I'd get to explain to everyone why I got arrested on my birthday. Man, I'd be telling that story for years.

"What'cha need?"

"Twenty-five on three."

I walk out of the store, the candy still safe in the box.
 
Hours later I'm driving back home. I'm deaf,*my sinuses are killing me, and I'm even more tired. "You know what would be hilarious," I think. "If I just ran this red light for the hell of it."






*If you get a chance to see The Melvins, do it. You'll be deaf afterwards, but who needs hearing anyway. Plus, they came onstage to a recording of the "Blazing Saddles" theme.That gives them a point or two right away.

All Hit Radio

I went on a date a few months ago. You guys wouldn't know her, she's a model from Canada.

It seemed like things were going pretty good, although I'm always the last to know about stuff like that. At one point however, she dropped the question every music nerd paradoxically fears and desires (sort of like how we feel about women).

"So what's your favorite song?"

I froze up like a fourth grader in a school play. Favorite song? I knew this. My life has been a series of making lists of favorite songs, revising and editing them as circumstances change.

But now I was on the spot and couldn't think of a single song. Hell, I couldn't even think of a single note. Not a commercial jingle, ice cream truck horn, novelty ringtone, nothing. It's as if hundreds of years of recorded music had suddenly been erased from my brain. The Beatles, Beethoven, GG Allin, MC Hammer - all of these had been wiped clean from history and my consciousness.

I stumbled around for a while but never really came up with an answer. If there's one thing the ladies love, it's an indecisive man who can't answer a simple question
(Although I think I was able to salvage things a bit due to my shining wit, sparkling personality and innate sexiness).

Later, when it didn't matter, I was able to come up with some of my favorites, which brought up another whole series of problems. A favorite song has to be something that has staying power, so it can't be anything too recent. It also has to be something that you can listen to over and over again, no matter who does it. This is no easy task. I mean, sure, there are songs I like, but having to pick a favorite is like picking a favorite friend, or child, to actual grown-up, mature adults.

But I came up with a few anyway. "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry" - by anyone, any version, "She Thinks I Still Care" - George Jones, "The Mercy Seat" - Nick Cave "Troglodyte" - Jimmy Castor, "These Arms of Mine," - Otis Redding, "Old Time Loving" - Al Green, "September Gurls" - Big Star, "Soldier's Requiem" - Naked Raygun, "Ex Lion Tamer" - Wire, The Theme to "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly," just about any version of "Amazing Grace."

Even after narrowing things down that far, I felt this list would change if I thought about it for a second longer. Hell, what about all the jams on my "Reggae/Ska/Rocksteady/Dub Summer Cookout Mix?" Those should be on there somewhere. And I'm a fairly happy guy, what's with all those depressing songs? Was I going to have to edit this list again? No, better just to keep it like it is and memorize it. Oh crap, I don't have any rock on there. What about "Jailbreak" by Thin Lizzy, or "Southern Girls" by Cheap Trick? Hell, what sort of list has no Buzzcocks? Or Husker Du? No "Freakazoid?"

I can see now why I froze up. This was just too much information for my mind to handle. At least she didn't ask me about movies. Aw crap, now I should start making and memorizing a movie list. I hope nobody wants any work out of me for the next two weeks.