Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Public Has Spoken

At work we have to answer comment cards filled out by our wise patrons. This just might be my favorite:


The apostrophe up there in DVD was actually backwards and upside down, I suppose like a reverse comma, which just adds to it.

Monday, October 20, 2008

The King is Dead

Rudy Ray Moore, The Godfather of Rap, the King of the Party Records passed away today at 81 due to complications from diabetes. Though never the household name he deserved to be, Rudy influenced decades of rappers (especially the Beastie Boy's "Paul's Boutique" album) and comedians, as well as nerds like myself.

I can't remember exactly when I became aware of the awesomeness of Rudy Ray Moore. I remember my pal Curt and I watching "Dolemite" over and over again in late high school. The movie (along with Moore's other films) has elements of such homemade, ramshackle charm to it and was so underground to suburban white kids like us that it became a sort of cultural touchstone to us, and a big part of my brain is still filled with Dolemite lines.

I finally got to see Rudy about 5 years ago in Atlanta. He would have been in his mid-70s, but put on a hell of a show. If you would have told me at 19 that I would have been five feet away from Dolemite himself as he recited "Shine and the Great Titanic," or sang a Sam Cooke song, I would have called you a liar, but secretly wondered how I grew up to be so damned cool.

While the Rudy Ray Moore movies might show their low budgets, Rudy's throwing himself into them (literally, in the case of the nekkid jump down the hill in "Human Tornado") transcended budget and acting limitations and were joyful, if foul-mouthed, celebrations of life.

And isn't that really what art should be?

If you disagree, you're a no business, insecure, junkyard motherfucker.

Rest in Peace, Rudy.

Early Voting

Stood in line about 45 minutes this afternoon to early vote. I'll be out of town on Election Day, but I love early voting anyway just because it makes me feel smug.

"Oh you're finally getting around to voting now? It was a whole lot cooler when I did it like two weeks ago."

For the first time in quite a while it feels like I might be backing a winner, although as my dad said last night, "There's still time for them to pull some GATdamn tricks."

I also got to listen to two old church ladies almost come to blows over the whole 'don't let the gay people get married' bill, so that was worth it.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

True Tales of Wilderness Survival

I pull into the Baldwin Trail this morning a little before 8. I get all my stuff together and before I start down the trail this guy says, "Hey, mind if I ride with you for a little while?"

What? I come here to get away from people and clear my head. If I wanted people around I'd ride the bus or something.

"Uh, yeah, sure."

So the guy stays with me for a while.

"I've seen you out here before and you're always alone."

Yeah, well that's the way I - waitaminute! Didn't Keith tell me that this place's bathrooms were a notorious gay pickup spot? What does he mean he's seen me here before? I've seen hundreds of people on the trail but I wouldn't remember any of them. Damn these ruggedly handsome good loooks!

The guy looks to be about my dad's age, with a bald head and a moustache. He keeps up with me for a couple miles, talking the whole way while I respond with 'yeah,' and 'uh-huh.' He tells me how he is a home inspector and wait - didn't he say he worked at the bulk mail place down the road?

I wonder what this guy's deal is? He hasn't really said anything sexual, but he's starting to give me the creeps. I suppose if it came down to it I could take him. He's not wearing a helmet, so I could headbut him, then give him a punch or two and take off. Wait, when was the last actual punching fight I was in? 20? 19 years ago? And he probably has some sort of special super pervert strength he'll use to drag me off the trail.

"I saw this thing on the TV last night where that ACORN deal paid this black kid a bunch of beer and wine to vote 58 times for Obama."

"What? Early voting isn't even open yet. How could anyone vote? And also, they've been looking for voting fraud for years and haven't come up with anything substantial yet. I flipped through the New York Times and the Washington Post online this morning. Seems like they'd mention something like that."

"Yeah, well I just heard it on the radio yesterday."

Wait. I thought he said he saw it on TV. Holy crap. He's got the Jesus fish on his shirt. Republican talking points, Jesus shirt, moustache. Those are the guys that are always caught in rest stop bathrooms with Cub Scouts after railing about family values. Alright, I've been polite too long, it's time to get out of here. What the hell, normally the trail is like Grand Central Station on weekend mornings, now that I'm riding with Talky the Rapist the place is dead.

"Well, you'll understand when you're older, but I've got to go relieve myself. Good talkin' with you. God bless you."

"Uh, nice meeting you."

And with that, he pulled into the little restroom hut thing at the six mile marker, I guess to wait for someone else to molest.

As I got to the end of the trail I remembered that he asked me how long it usually took me to finish. Maybe he wasn't a pervert after all, but using that as a cover to ride back to my car and break in. I doubt he'd want an oxidized Honda Civic with 200,000 miles on it, but I did have my new cell phone hidden under the seat. Shit, I hadn't even figured out to use half the stuff on it, now that dude was going to break in and take it, probably ending up by calling all my contacts and talking their ears off before going to their houses and molesting them.

I made it back to the car in record time and naturally nothing was amiss, but man, did that dude ruin my morning.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

I Did Not Understand This, But That Does Not Make It Any Less Awesome

Overheard conversation at work:

Kema: "Howard, when you think of Halloween, do you think of ghosts or werewolves?"

Howard (very quickly): "Ghosts. I think of werewolves every night."

Friday, October 3, 2008

Dental Damn

Had a dentist appointment really, really early this week. Apparently, time snuck up on me and I hadn't been in a couple years. Hey, I've been busy.

You can add an extra three months on to that since I've had two appointments with this dentist fall through. I was going to pull out of this one since I specifically stated I needed a Monday morning appointment that wasn't too early which they interpreted as 7:45 Wednesday morning.

After waking me up a couple times, the dentist and cleaner lady tell me I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep. If you are reading this and are someone I work with, my wife, my family, or possibly a friend of mine, this is all your fault.

Actually they mentioned this the last time I was there and tried to sell me some $500mouth guard thing that isn't covered by insurance. Like any problem over $100 or involving health, feelings or effort, I put it way, way in the back of my mind and proceeded to forget about it. I've found that this novel compression of stress and worry to be an effective way of...hey. You don't think that would have anything to do with the whole tooth grinding thing, do you? Yeah, me niether. I think they're in some sort of scam with the insurance company.

This time the dentist and cleaner lady (and why do I always get the old lady cleaners? Is my wife involved in this somehow?) showed me how my teeth were getting looser and looser, which sort of freaked me out. Maybe they weren't making this all up after all.

Now our TV blew up a couple months ago, which brings me to a decision. Should I use the money for a new TV or for my teeth? I'm getting kind of tired of watching stuff on the laptop, and TV has provided me with much enjoyment in the past, but I guess not having my teeth fall out would be OK, too.

Although I do like pudding.