Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Pirates of the Homophobic

This old guy comes up to the desk today screaming something about pirates. Once Oldie finally ambles up, I deduce he’s asking about that last Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

“TV said its been out since Friday. Do ya’ll have it in?”

”I don’t think it comes out until next week.”

“No, the TV’s been running ads all last week.”

“Actually, I’ve got Amazon up right here. There, see, next Tuesday.”

”Well, why would the TV be telling me about it for a week?”

”Well, you know, they run ads beforehand to get people excited about it.”

”I guess so. Go ahead and put a hold on that one for me. Here’s my card. I loved that first movie, but me and my brother had to walk out of the second one.”

”Yeah, I remember it being kind of long.”

”Wasn’t that, it was all the gay stuff in there.”

“Yeah, I ..wait…what?”

”Oh yeah, we couldn’t stand that stuff. Remember how they were all ghosts and were trying to get that girl? Well, of course he didn’t care anything about that, being the way he was.”

Oldie wandered off by that point, leaving me to wonder just what pirate movie he was talking about.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Lost in the Supermarket

I needed something sweet a couple nights ago. We had nothing but healthy stuff in the house, so I had to take a trip down to Winn Dixie, something I try to avoid, but when the sweets hit you late at night, sometimes you just gotta give in.

I’m standing in line waiting to buy my treats and this guy comes behind me with his wife and kids. He’s about my age and has almost completely grey hair. He’s also wearing an old Circle Jerks T-shirt.

“Hey, I used to have that same shirt.”

”Oh yeah? Man, they were a great band.”

“Yeah, I was actually listening to Group Sex in the car a couple weeks ago.”

”Yeah, that album’s gotta be in anybody’s top ten.”

“Growing up, I lived close to St. Pete, and I swear they played like every summer. Actually, they played the first show I ever saw, back in like ’85. After seeing them it was pretty much all over for me and I knew I was gonna be a punk rocker for life.”

”Yeah, they used to play Virginia constantly when I lived there back in the ‘80s. Even on those later tours when Keith Morris was all grumpy and would preach for 10 minutes before singing a song, it would still be a good time.”

“Heh, I remember those shows. Well, take care.”

“Yeah, see you later.”

I started up my car and started thinking (which was pretty hard, since I had “Paid Vacation” and “Live Fast, Die Young” now stuck in my head in an endless loop.

Who knows where I’d be right now if I hadn’t gone to that Circle Jerks show back in 1985? For one thing, instead of a wall of CDs, I’d probably have a bunch of real CDs in a bank earning interest for my golden years. Hell, I might be a doctor or lawyer right now instead of some chump driving to Winn Dixie for a box of Cocoa Pebbles in the middle of the night.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Unfinished Business

I woke up around 3:30 a couple mornings ago with an awesome idea for next year’s Halloween costume. This year apparently I went as Annoying Drunk Guy Who Tells Everyone What Their Problems Are And Sings Off-Key To The Misfits. I’m hoping to retire that one.

All I can remember about my costume is that I was wearing surgical scrubs. I’m pretty sure there was a fake head that I either held in a box or had attached to my shoulder to give the illusion of a two-headed doctor. None of those feel right, so I guess it’s sort of like Samuel Taylor Coleridge getting interrupted writing “Kubla Kahn.” Sorry to get all literary on you there, but I have the feeling that this costume was just that important.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Work Funnies

"Tell your staff to cut down on copier use. We need to save money."
"Oh yeah. The consultants we hired at a gazillion dollars an hour were very firm on that point."

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


Even back in high school, I was sort of an asshole about making people wear their seatbelts. Maybe because I realized I was a pretty shitty driver. I drove a ’77 Lincoln Continental, a huge chunk of Detroit metal, so I could afford to be. I got in a couple accidents where people hit me from behind. I’d pull over and do all the insurance stuff they told me about in driver’s ed, looking at their demolished front end. I might have a scratch on the back bumper or a broken taillight. A few weeks later I’d get an insurance check for a couple hundred bucks.

So yeah, I had been in accidents before.

My parents left me alone one summer and took my sister on vacation. I quit my job the minute they left in order to have more time to devote to building ramps, watching TV in the daytime (something that was not tolerated in the Adams household) and driving up to Tampa to go record shopping.

One afternoon I was driving down some back roads to Wendy’s. I wasn’t wearing a seat belt. I wasn’t driving too fast, although I always felt a bit more comfortable a good 5-10 miles above the posted speed limits. I saw this lowered pickup truck coming towards me. Holy shit. That dude’s not stopping for his stop sign.

Everything slowed down, just like in the movies. I remembered getting thrown around through the car, and I guess I hit my head pretty hard on the windshield. People were coming out of their houses and giving me water and telling me not to move. I kept telling them I had to get in the car, since I had a 20 dollar bill in there on the seat. Then I noticed my white Thrasher T-shirt had a pretty sizeable blood stain growing on it so I sat down like they told me.

The paramedics came and loaded me onto one of those board things with a bunch of stuff around my neck so I couldn’t move. I ended up spending a couple hours lying on this board in the hospital while they developed the X-rays of my head and stitched me up. Finally a doctor looks at my X-rays and says, “You know, you have some really bad sinuses.”

“Yeah, thanks, doc. How about doing something about the bleeding hole in my skull and I’ll just buy some Tylenol and Afrin twice a year, huh?”

So I get all stitched up and wait for a friend’s parents to drive me home. Everyone in the waiting room is looking at me funny so I go in the bathroom to check myself out. They didn’t clean me up or anything, so I had caked black blood all over my face, as well as a shaved patch on my head with my stitches poking out. After realizing that, I put on a little show, Frankensteining around the place to make people be quiet and stuff.

I woke up later that night with the worst headache I’ve ever had. I went to get some water and noticed this big toad sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor.

“Look man, I’m just going to pretend I don’t see you. Do whatever you want, just don’t be here when I wake up.”

And he wasn’t, proving that the lower animals do listen to reason now and then.

Later still, I found that the tow truck driver stole my $20 as well as my delicious Wendy’s hamburger. I took some pictures in front of my totaled car and marveled at the bumped-out spot in the windshield where my head hit. The rest of the summer when I wanted something I’d casually lower my head so the person I was dealing with could see my nasty scar for some extra sympathy points. The scar’s still there, by the way, right around my part. I am going to look ugly when I go bald.

Years later my parents told me all sorts of lawyers called trying to get them to sue the other driver, but they didn’t bite. Which sucks, because there were quite a few years there where I could have used some settlement money.

So yeah, kids, always wear your seatbelt.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Overheard in Home Depot

Excited Man: "Let's go look at the fertilizer next!"

Saturday, November 10, 2007

First Day on a Brand New Planet

So I started a myspace blog a couple years ago. You can check it out here. I just felt the world really needed to know about my attempts to view the Playboy Channel on my neighbor’s TV and my feelings on funerals and homemade ice cream. For a couple months now I’ve considered coming here into the grown-up’s web, but was always sort of afraid my family or bosses might stumble upon my salty language or descriptions of my baser thoughts and desires.

But you know what? It’s time to fly my freak flag high.

Naturally, since I made this template, I haven't thought of a damn story, review, anecdote or anything at all other than the fact that the cold weather has made the new wave and soul music sound really, really good.