Saturday, December 15, 2007

Scrooge Wins

I just don't have any Christmas spirit this year. I don't feel I had appropriate levels of Halloween or Thanksgiving spirit this year, either.
Part of my problem could be the week of 80 degree weather we've had recently, or the 'eh, we're not really going to do anything this year' attitude displayed by my friends and family. I mean, there aren't even any Christmas parties this year. Last year there were like 4 a week. How are my co-workers and friends going to be impressed by my karaoke abilities if I don't get a chance to drunkenly display them?
So in light of this, I feel it is time to reveal the worst parts about Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas, but even the best holidays have problems.
First off, A Christmas Story was funny like the first 300 times I saw it. With that crappy narration and horrible little rat-faced kid, it never fails to sour my post-present opening mood.
Polar Express - I've never seen it, but caught a clip of it a couple days ago. I admit, I'm probably biased since I hate CGI, but Jesus, what a creepy-ass collection of plastic retards. I would imagine you could make them all blow up if you asked them about love, just like in all the old Star Trek episodes.
Even as a kid who loved all those old Christmas specials, I sort of hated Frosty the Snowman. I'm not really sure why, but he reminded me of those adults who try to be friends with kids. Not really in a molestery way, but just in a substitute teacher 'hey, let's rap about our problems' way.
One of the advantages to being married is that you get two to eat two holiday meals. I pretty much depend on that double shot of turkey on Thanksgiving and Christmas the entire year. So imagine my suprise when both sets of parents decided to make ham a couple years ago. Ham. Did the wise men offer Baby Jesus ham? No, they certainly did not.
You know, I've always really wanted to like gingerbread. I mean, you can make little houses and people out of it so you can indulge your inner Godzilla or Vlad the Impaler, but the stuff just never tastes as good as those generic sugar cookies.
The Washington Post recently ran a story on the worst Christmas songs of all time. The winner was those dogs barking out "Jingle Bells," followed by that Chipmunk Christmas song. These people are as wrong on Christmas songs as they were in the lead up to the Iraq War. "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" is obviously the worst Christmas song ever. In second place? Just about any rock and roll Christmas song, of which I'm including "Jingle Bell Rock" and "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree." Not counting Elvis, have there been any good rock and roll Christmas songs? Why yes there have been. But you'll have to wait until my next post to find out.


Alonzo Mosley (FBI) said...

Given that your current soundtrack lists RUN DMC, will "Christmas in Hollis" make the cut of good pop Christmas songs?

Keith said...

The songs you named are among my most hated of all time. Also, any Christmas music by the Brian Setzer Orchestra. I listen to "Christmas with the Rat Pack," a Nat King Cole Christmas album, and a Bing Crosby one, and I'm good to go. I also hate Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and can't believe he got integrated in to Santa canon. Dude, he was just made up by Macy's or something.

However, I believe this will get the Christmas spirit flowing...

Bollywood Santa