Word Bird

My first professional job was writing press releases for UF. If you read a newspaper story in the early '90s that started "GAINESVILLE (AP) Researchers at the University of Florida have ...," there's a chance it was one of mine.

The job was great, even though I was only making about 5 bucks an hour and was never going to get hired full-time. I got to interview a lot of interesting people, heard some amazing stories, and it was a step into the professional world. For instance, I learned it was probably better to shave and wear a button-down shirt instead of a ratty Antiseen t-shirt when conducting interviews with department heads. Hey, I thought it was going to be a phone interview.

I would interview a professor, write up my story, run it past my editor, make corrections, then send it back to the interview subject for approval and more corrections. This was usually fairly simple. I did have a business professor tell me my story sucked once because I had the gall to interrupt his golden quotes with AP style ledes and summary paragraphs. I hope that guy got busted for insider trading.

But for the most part, the professors were cool - they wanted to get published and so did I. They would occasionally suggest different wording or phrases into quotes I had for them, which was fine.

One time an interview subject faxed back his story with the word "cornucopia" written beside a paragraph with an arrow pointing to where he thought it should go. I didn't remember him using the word in our interview, and my editor gave me a raised eyebrow when he saw it.

I spoke to the professor who replied, "Oh, I just try to fit the word cornucopia into everything I write. It's sort of a game."

Not being one to stop someone's fun, I told my editor, and the word survived.

When recalling that story a couple weeks ago, I wondered if I had a favorite word, something I try to cram into sentences or stories no matter if it fits or not. Sadly, I don't think I do, or if I do, it's nowhere near as cool as cornucopia. Then I remembered, I do have a list of words that I think are funny and/or awesome.

Off the top of my head, my top six would be:

Ghost - I just think they're funny.

Beast - Don't know why I like this word so much, but it sounds cool.

Treat - If you've been around me for more than a couple hours you've probably heard me use this. A treat (or tasty treat or treater) is generally some sort of food, but is more widely used to describe, well, anything good.

Creep/creepy - Pretty self-explanatory.

Ape - Who doesn't love the apes?

Boner - Heh.

You'll notice that with the exception of boner, they are all one syllable words. I'd like to think that is a remnant of my journalistic training, that I'm looking for sharp, fast, effective action words, but it's more likely just that I'm immature (heh, boner), and I have a poor vocabulary. I don't use these all the time, but appreciate them when they show up. Naturally, combining these words are even better, like a giant Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of language. Check it out: Ghost Ape.  Ghost Boner. OK, maybe just putting Ghost in front of anything is awesome.

Now that I have identified the greatest words of the English language (it's true - just remember Shakespeare's immortal "The Ghost of the Creepy Ape." Or maybe that was a Hardy Boys book), please use as many of these as you can when writing or conversing with me. It will ensure pleasant conversation and will mark you as a gentleman or lady.

Hee. "Ghost Boner."

Diver Down

I did a google search for googoomuck the other day. Oh, like you've never googled yourself. The first result after a few awesome Youtube clips was an Urban Dictionary definition. Let's see what it says, shall we?

Oh, my.

If you couldn't be bothered to use the link, the definition reads:

"A double entendre meaning a vampire or a muff diver. Famously used in a Cramps songs bearing the same name."

Couple things.

First, I was mildly shocked to see the term "muff diver" all written out there on the internet. Has anyone used that phrase since 1982? In a place that wasn't a middle school cafeteria or schoolbus? I think as soon as you utter the phrase "muff diver" you automatically grow a wispy mustache and notice you're wearing a 3/4 sleeve 95YNF or Lightning Bolt T-shirt.

Hey! That could be my new superhero! A mild-mannered kid in the '80s who uses the secret phrase to become MUFF DIVER, a fighter for justice, Get the Led Out radio weekends and ...I dunno... world peace or something. It still needs work.

Where was I? Oh yeah, "The Goo Goo Muck." I've heard that song for what, over 20 years now and yeah, that reading makes a lot of sense. Let's take a look at some of those lyrics:

"I cruise through the city and I roam the streets
Lookin for something that is nice to eat."

"I'm the night headhunter looking for some head
With a way-out body underneath that head."

How could I have missed that? And the Cramps were covering a song from 1962. Could people really sing about oral sex back then? Didn't they send Lenny Bruce to the electric chair for saying "damn" on stage? How did that song slip by? Was everyone in 1962 was as dumb as me?

Was this phrase common knowledge back then? I'm picturing guys in leather jackets on street corners saying stuff like, "Nah, we didn't really have sex, we just googoomucked." Or "You know me, fellas, I'm a real googoomuck."

Actually, that sounds sort of gross. Nowhere near as pleasing to the ear as "muff diver."

And you know, if I did inadvertently name my blog after a sex act, that's not a bad one to pick. It's a funny term, something I endorse, and it's way better than my first choice, Santorum's Laff Factory.

Oh, just google it.